My Thought Catalog e-book is for sale on Amazon, iBookstore, and Barnes & Noble. Purchasing a copy helps support a child in need. I am that child in need. For just pennies a day, you can boost my fragile ego and save me from a life of selling life insurance plans door-to-door. God bless you.
Dave Schilling lays everything out on the table. The stakes are high. Knowledge is meant to be hidden for a reason. In ‘Letters from my Therapist’ Dave Schilling reveals his cholesterol-caked heart (if his fast-food eating habits are to be believed). Never before has a book been so heavily laden with pop culture references, life history and casual Gmail name drops. By taking this approach Dave Schilling manages to reach out to the reader in a literal direct form. Keeping this mixture of self-depreciation with odd bursts of confidence makes it rather unpredictable. Snarky phrasing makes it pretty funny.
Online life is starting to define more of life on Earth. Worry does not exist online. Anxiety resides in reality. Right in the virtual realm Dave Schilling manages a great deal more. Projecting an image of complete awareness yet not having to deal with the problems of real life, Dave Schilling finds a comfort zone in the internet. Human interaction happens mostly online.
Relationships suck for poor pathetic Dave Schilling. Pizza rejects him. Breakups from decades ago haunt his fragile eggshell mind breaking it to make a delicious omelet. The omelets create other difficulties as Dave Schilling goes into overdrive about his terrible eating habits. Much of this reeks of self-help therapy, which is ironic as Dave Schilling’s therapist weighs in on some of the heftier topics with her personal insight.
The therapist serves as the sane one in these many stories. Her advice is sounder than her choice of coffee table. With the power of the impasse and threat of legal action she manages to add a bit of logic to the otherwise strange tales. Occasionally these offer insight for Dave Schilling, a person who feels further and further disconnected from reality. Retreating into the internet, the past, and dwelling on inadequacies, Dave Schilling appears to trend into murky sad territory. Everywhere the twenty-something suffers from these problems. However through the addition of geographic idiosyncrasies Dave Schilling shows off the many complexes that Los Angeles has. Over-reliance on cars, feeling small because of insults from New York, in a way Dave Schilling shows how his life parallels nicely with the city he calls home.
Dave Schilling accurately articulates what it means to be a pretentious obnoxious insecure individual on the internet. In other words he shows the reader what it is like to be human in a world where interaction goes through constant filters, helping to dull away the pain of rejection through impersonal personal interactions.
Paula Deen Is Exhausted from Being So Racist All the Time
Welcome to another edition of This Week in Racism. With the assistance of my friends at the @YesYoureRacist Twitter account, I’ll be ranking this and other news stories on a scale of 1 to RACIST, with “1” being the least racist and “RACIST” being the most racist.
-Paula Deen, America’s Sweetheart and expert chef of all things deep-fried, finally came clean about her use of the “N-Word” in a court deposition tied to a discrimination lawsuit filed by one of her former employees. Deen claimed that her Southern upbringing made use of the word natural. That’s totally true. I’ve been to the South. They use the “N-Word” like I use semi-colons; liberally and without regret.
Paula’s “Sorry for Being Racist” press tour was supposed to start this morning on the Today show, but she chose not to make her scheduled appearance, citing “exhaustion.” If I weighed 300 pounds, ate Twinkies for every meal, and had millions of people calling for me to be deported to a desert island for eternity, I’d be “exhausted” too.
Fear not Deeniacs, Paula released a video statement today that will clear up this whole mess. I haven’t watched it yet, but I heard that in the video, she hands out free watermelon and fried chicken in Harlem to show her support for the African-American community. Big ups to my girl, Paula, for being so generous to my bruthas and sistas. Also, for calcifying my colon through her delicious “cooking.”
There’s a Video Game Church (and It’s Totally Lame)
The E3 video game expo is a yearly celebration of the multi-billion dollar gaming industry. It’s also super fucking boring. As the largest video game trade expo in the world, it’s both overly stimulating and stultifyingly corporate. Imagine taking a walk down the Las Vegas strip, with all the lights, sounds, and annoying carnival barkers yelling at you, then accidentally stumbling into a TED talk. Yeah, that sounds shitty to me too.
While hanging around there in spite of myself, I heard about a Christian gaming organization called Gamechurch with a booth on the ass end of the convention center that was supposedly giving away free beer to anyone desperate enough to talk to them. I figured my E3 had been saved. Could it have been a sign from God himself that I should get a taste of the gospel and also get drunk on cheap keg beer?
To my surprise, there was no beer left when I arrived. I suppose everyone else at E3 had the same idea, but much earlier in the day. All that was left for me to do was read their material until more beer showed up.
I fingered through their pamphlet titled “Jesus, for the Win!” long enough to realize that this whole operation was serious. A condensed version of the Book of John was interspersed with essays justifying mixing the New Testament with the latest Call of Duty game. Those just seem naturally compatible, right?
I’ve gotten a lot of complaints in the last few weeks from my loyal readers. Some of you out there seem to think that I’ve been remiss in my duties as the foremost expert on racism. That’s totally fine. I accept your judgment. I love all of you equally. I even love those of you who say, “Dave Schilling is a total piece of shit with no brain cells to his name” or “I bet Dave Schilling has a really small dick.” I honestly love you folks, too.
[AUTHOR’S NOTE: My penis is the normal size, OK?]
The complaint I’ve gotten most in my time writing this column is that I never highlight instances of minorities being racist toward white people, a.k.a. “reverse racism.” Somehow, I’m a bigot for “ignoring” all the multitude of stories in the world about roving gangs of black teenagers menacing old grannies in the suburbs, or all the black police officers beating up defenseless white guys in tank tops. Please feel free to send these mythical unicorn stories to me on Twitter. I look forward to the motherload of responses I’m sure to get.
In the meantime, I have decided to answer your prayers and dedicate this week’s column to the men and women single-handedly keeping the ridiculous notion of reverse racism alive. I will be ranking news stories on a scale from 1 to REVERSE RACIST, with 1 being the least reverse racist and REVERSE RACIST being the most reverse racist.
Received the following from one of those ‘alt lit’ guys. His name is ‘peterbd’ and I believe his shtick is sending people cryptic messages. He picked a great picture for this creepy e-mail.
- dave schilling is dave schilling and he was born dave schilling. yea bitch, his name is dave schilling
- dave schilling is getting his dave schilling on right now. this includes: eating a delicious meal made by a world class chef, counting all the money he makes that is tax free, getting a lap dance from beyonce, and telling beyonce to get out of his home when he’s tired of her dancing for him
- in 2003 dave schilling did something very dave schillingish that only dave schilling could do. i swear to god you idiots can’t do it like dave schilling
- dave schilling will fight a girl’s boyfriend and then immediately make love to the man’s girlfriend. he is a lover as well as a fighter
- a wise man once said to not argue with fools. stfu wise man. dave schilling will argue with you and a fool at the same time
- you want to be dave schilling don’t you? you want to live the dave schilling lifestyle don’t you? don’t you? you want to look like dave schilling don’t you? you want people to complement the way you wear your glasses similar to the way people compliment dave schilling when he wears his glasses don’t you? you want to reside in dave schilling’s home and drink dave schilling’s coffee and watch dave schilling’s tv and sleep in dave schilling’s bed. motherfucker, keep dreaming. you are not dave schilling. but if you are dave schilling then none of what was just mentioned is applicable to you
- greta gerwig is dating noah baumbach. dave schilling met greta gerwig in a bar. whatever happened in that bar between greta and dave is confidential
- considering that dave schilling is a talented person, you would think that he would have a big head. dave schilling does not have a big head even though he should have one considering he is dave schilling and he can basically do whatever the fuck he wants. the difference between dave schilling and people who let fame get to their heads, is simply that dave schilling was born famous so he’s not going to get gassed when a group of people run up to him saying ‘oh my god you’re dave schilling.’ yea, he already knows he’s dave motherfuckin schilling. he’s known this since he was in his mother’s womb
- noah baumbach completely trusts greta gerwig and thinks that nothing went down between her and dave schilling in the bar that night. lmao
- dave schilling is ready for summer. dave schilling is ready to show you how to do this thing properly
We’re always suckers for behind the mic/curtain of comedy, especially when it’s done by our good friend Steve Feinartz (director of The Bitter Buddha) and is in black and white and features Kyle Kinane AND is profiling the brand new weekly comedy show brought to you by the comedian writers of Vice Magazine (Josh Androksy, Dave Schilling, Megan Koester, Allen Strickland Williams, Grant Pardee, and Alison Stevenson) called Entitlement (the show is happening tonight).
“If you wait until 4:08, you can get in for free,” the blatantly disinterested clerk at the entrance to Hollywood Park Racetrack and Casino informed me as I desperately tried to give her the $10 entry fee. It was 3:55 and I had already started to feel the effects of the weed chocolate I had eaten earlier, so I happily accepted her terms. I avoided making small talk with the clerk by feigning interest in my phone for 13 minutes. It’s surprising how little you can accomplish on a cell phone in 13 minutes. Finally, as the clock struck the “magic hour,” I sauntered through the gate with an extra $10 in my pocket, just ready to gamble it all away forever. There’s no such thing as a free ride, unless you’re high… or talking about the moribund sport of horse racing.
Much like the United States itself, horse racing culture can be divided into the camps of “have” and “have not.” The disparity between the gilded excesses of the Kentucky Derby and the barren wasteland of Hollywood Park is stark. Step-repeat lines, funny hats, and copious amounts of rich people materialize at Churchill Downs every year to see and be seen at what is an absurdly anachronistic, passé sport. The everyday reality of horse racing is that the stands are not even a third full, and instead of expensive suits and strange headgear, people wear varsity jackets with cougars embroidered on the back. Horse racing was and still is a pastime of our grandparents.