I understand and appreciate the rise of EDM and DJ culture. I see how it brings people together, allows for personal expression, and gives you a great excuse to do tons of molly and “accidentally” rub up against women in a club. I get it. And yet, I do not accept that DJs belong everywhere. DJs should not be at mundane events like baby showers, Christmas-tree lightings, sentencing hearings, art-gallery openings, dog shows, rollerblading competitons, political rallies, traffic accidents, Chinese New Year, or the Super Bowl. Not everything needs to have dancing. Actually, most public gatherings are awkward, especially when the event is one in which the host is trying to sell you something.
I went to the E3 video-game trade show this past week, and like every other convention or industry gathering in our modern era, DJs were shoehorned into the proceedings. I don’t need the “bass to drop” while I’m waiting in line to see the new XBox or to use the bathroom, thank you very much.
I decided to take a stroll around and see if anyone was actually getting down to the music the many, many E3 DJs were playing.
There’s a Video Game Church (and It’s Totally Lame)
The E3 video game expo is a yearly celebration of the multi-billion dollar gaming industry. It’s also super fucking boring. As the largest video game trade expo in the world, it’s both overly stimulating and stultifyingly corporate. Imagine taking a walk down the Las Vegas strip, with all the lights, sounds, and annoying carnival barkers yelling at you, then accidentally stumbling into a TED talk. Yeah, that sounds shitty to me too.
While hanging around there in spite of myself, I heard about a Christian gaming organization called Gamechurch with a booth on the ass end of the convention center that was supposedly giving away free beer to anyone desperate enough to talk to them. I figured my E3 had been saved. Could it have been a sign from God himself that I should get a taste of the gospel and also get drunk on cheap keg beer?
To my surprise, there was no beer left when I arrived. I suppose everyone else at E3 had the same idea, but much earlier in the day. All that was left for me to do was read their material until more beer showed up.
I fingered through their pamphlet titled “Jesus, for the Win!” long enough to realize that this whole operation was serious. A condensed version of the Book of John was interspersed with essays justifying mixing the New Testament with the latest Call of Duty game. Those just seem naturally compatible, right?
I’ve gotten a lot of complaints in the last few weeks from my loyal readers. Some of you out there seem to think that I’ve been remiss in my duties as the foremost expert on racism. That’s totally fine. I accept your judgment. I love all of you equally. I even love those of you who say, “Dave Schilling is a total piece of shit with no brain cells to his name” or “I bet Dave Schilling has a really small dick.” I honestly love you folks, too.
[AUTHOR’S NOTE: My penis is the normal size, OK?]
The complaint I’ve gotten most in my time writing this column is that I never highlight instances of minorities being racist toward white people, a.k.a. “reverse racism.” Somehow, I’m a bigot for “ignoring” all the multitude of stories in the world about roving gangs of black teenagers menacing old grannies in the suburbs, or all the black police officers beating up defenseless white guys in tank tops. Please feel free to send these mythical unicorn stories to me on Twitter. I look forward to the motherload of responses I’m sure to get.
In the meantime, I have decided to answer your prayers and dedicate this week’s column to the men and women single-handedly keeping the ridiculous notion of reverse racism alive. I will be ranking news stories on a scale from 1 to REVERSE RACIST, with 1 being the least reverse racist and REVERSE RACIST being the most reverse racist.
Received the following from one of those ‘alt lit’ guys. His name is ‘peterbd’ and I believe his shtick is sending people cryptic messages. He picked a great picture for this creepy e-mail.
- dave schilling is dave schilling and he was born dave schilling. yea bitch, his name is dave schilling
- dave schilling is getting his dave schilling on right now. this includes: eating a delicious meal made by a world class chef, counting all the money he makes that is tax free, getting a lap dance from beyonce, and telling beyonce to get out of his home when he’s tired of her dancing for him
- in 2003 dave schilling did something very dave schillingish that only dave schilling could do. i swear to god you idiots can’t do it like dave schilling
- dave schilling will fight a girl’s boyfriend and then immediately make love to the man’s girlfriend. he is a lover as well as a fighter
- a wise man once said to not argue with fools. stfu wise man. dave schilling will argue with you and a fool at the same time
- you want to be dave schilling don’t you? you want to live the dave schilling lifestyle don’t you? don’t you? you want to look like dave schilling don’t you? you want people to complement the way you wear your glasses similar to the way people compliment dave schilling when he wears his glasses don’t you? you want to reside in dave schilling’s home and drink dave schilling’s coffee and watch dave schilling’s tv and sleep in dave schilling’s bed. motherfucker, keep dreaming. you are not dave schilling. but if you are dave schilling then none of what was just mentioned is applicable to you
- greta gerwig is dating noah baumbach. dave schilling met greta gerwig in a bar. whatever happened in that bar between greta and dave is confidential
- considering that dave schilling is a talented person, you would think that he would have a big head. dave schilling does not have a big head even though he should have one considering he is dave schilling and he can basically do whatever the fuck he wants. the difference between dave schilling and people who let fame get to their heads, is simply that dave schilling was born famous so he’s not going to get gassed when a group of people run up to him saying ‘oh my god you’re dave schilling.’ yea, he already knows he’s dave motherfuckin schilling. he’s known this since he was in his mother’s womb
- noah baumbach completely trusts greta gerwig and thinks that nothing went down between her and dave schilling in the bar that night. lmao
- dave schilling is ready for summer. dave schilling is ready to show you how to do this thing properly
Anonymous asked: Yes, Confederate Memorial Day is an official in Mississippi. My question to you is: if observing Confederate Memorial Day is oh, so very "racist," then how come NONE of the black people who work in the many state government positions in Mississippi (and since we have more blacks in MS than any other U.S. state, I'd venture to say that half or more of the state employees are black) ever have a problem with getting the day off as a paid holiday?
Michael Douglas’s Oral Sex Humblebrag Totally Failed
I say a lot of things I don’t actually mean to say. When I let my mouth run, I find myself implying that I can do 100 pushups, that my favorite movie is “something French and old,” and that I “read books for fun.” I guess you could say I’m a huge liar with absolutely no shame. That’s why when I found out that Michael Douglas, star of Behind the Candelabra and the movie that came before Basic Instinct 2, claimed that oral sex gave him throat cancer, I felt like I had finally found a celebrity to admire. Sadly, he couldn’t even keep that story going, because he’s retracted his claim.
As you can see in the below quote from the Guardian, and this audio transcript, Michael Douglas strongly implied, if not downright admitted, he got cancer because he loved to go down on women. Yeah, Michael Douglas decided to talk about how he loved to lick, suck, and drool all over vaginas. This is how it went:
Xan Brooks: Do you feel, in hindsight, that you overloaded your system? Overloaded your system with drugs, smoking, drink?
Michael Douglas: No. No. Ah, without getting too specific, this particular cancer is caused by something called HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus.
We’re always suckers for behind the mic/curtain of comedy, especially when it’s done by our good friend Steve Feinartz (director of The Bitter Buddha) and is in black and white and features Kyle Kinane AND is profiling the brand new weekly comedy show brought to you by the comedian writers of Vice Magazine (Josh Androksy, Dave Schilling, Megan Koester, Allen Strickland Williams, Grant Pardee, and Alison Stevenson) called Entitlement (the show is happening tonight).
Happy Confederate Memorial Day to you and yours! Yes, this is a real holiday in several southern states and the above gentleman is South Carolina Lieutenant Governor Glenn McConnell, a dedicated Civil War reenactor and total douchebag. If you’ve ever pined for the good ol’ days of manners, gentlemanly behavior, long sips of lemonade on the porch during a hot day, and ungodly human bondage, then this is the holiday for you. Giving gifts is encouraged. Your slave will most appreciate a day outside the “hot box.”
As always, with the assistance of my friends at the @YesYoureRacist Twitter account, I’ll be ranking news stories on a scale of 1 to RACIST, with “1” being the least racist and “racist” being the most racist.
- The Heritage Foundation, a conservative think tank dedicated to developing all the world’s dumbest ideas, released a study that claimed that immigration reform will cost the United States at least $6.3 trillion. That may or may not be true. I ain’t no mathematician. What I do know is true is that it recently came out that a co-author of the study, Jason Richwine, wrote his doctoral thesis at Harvard about the relative intelligences of the races. “The average IQ of immigrants in the United States is substantially lower than that of the white native population, and the difference is likely to persist over several generations,” Richwine claimed in his thesis, which was written in 2009, not 1959. Richwine argued that immigration should be selective based on IQ because “no one knows whether Hispanics will ever reach IQ parity with whites, but the prediction that new Hispanic immigrants will have low-IQ children and grandchildren is difficult to argue against.” If we’re going to keep dumb Mexican people out of our country, then can we also deport all the dumb white people? Can we give Rush Limbaugh his own island?
- A poster in France calling for demonstrations against gay rights stirred up plenty of controversy this week for portraying Minister of Justice Christiane Taubira, who is black, as a raging giant gorilla with cornrows and glowing eyes. The Taubira-gorilla is depicted as being swarmed by a crowd of homophobic protesters, who just so happen to be entirely white. The designer of the image deleted the post and apologized for the racist imagery, but only after it went viral. Funny how racism and homophobia tend to go hand in hand… 8
- The state of Michigan recently passed Public Act 436, which gives borderline dictatorial authority to an emergency manager to “supersede local ordinances, sell city assets, and break union contracts” in areas of the state that are economically impoverished, according to the Atlantic. These emergency managers currently function in six cities in Michigan, including Detroit. Around half of the black people in Michigan live in these six cities, which means that they all basically live without basic democratic rights. RACIST